updates:

Thursday, June 12, 2008 11:05 AM

today's featured picture on wikipedia


oh snap! yumyum yumyum. "bavarian sweet mustard?" oh my gosh that sounds amazing!

sorry i don't update much anymore. i hope i don't get kicked out of melissa's meeting b/c i only updated twitter like once last month.

i love mustard so much. i was looking at that picture this morning and there was a knock on the door. i put on my bathrobe and opened the door for a nice 40-something church lady who apologized for waking me up. i assured her she hadn't, that i worked nights and that i was already up anyway and was about to tell her i was looking at mustard pictures when i decided she would take that as an invitation to talk more so i kept it to myself. she was nice and let me go after asking me if i thought the bible was useful or outdated. i wanted to quote that mark twain quote but i couldn't think of it and wanted to close the door anyway so i just said "i think the bible is very useful and have a pleasant day, ma'am, thank you for coming over" then i smiled and closed the door.

"It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies." -Mark Twain on The Bible

"...a man can't know what turnips are in perfection without mustard." -Mark Twain on mustard

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Saturday, May 17, 2008 1:23 AM

there will be Jasmine




guest post from AEII:

"capitol l o l! it was a lot easier taking the pictures than making the slide show ;)"

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Tuesday, April 15, 2008 12:10 AM

jibberish/my karma has avenged someone

clip of tom jones and janis joplin singing a song that is apparently called "raise your hand." i would like to thank tamara for posting this on my facebook funwall, and i would have forwarded it to everyone, but then i decided to post it here, where 3 people will see it.


points of interest:
0:27 - 0:39 "no no nole / you better gift up, of the donut from the stand/ and raze old man/ fuckin rae-yay-lay o raerm may urn (back spasm)"

1:33 janis screeches and tom jones retaliates with an equally crazy screech, at which point the people sitting on the ground doing lemaze get up and begin to convulse

1:50 someone whistles and both tom and janis look around to see who it was and where they are

2:20 janis attempts to 'back it up' on tom jones while he gracefully executes the 'matador on ecstasy.' at this point they start looping the footage, presumably because the rest of the dancing was too lewdly retarded

3:00 during the call and response segment, tom tells janis he'd like to bake a pizza on her


and just so we're clear, i hold both these performers in very high esteem. i also think sometimes it's really hard to understand them.

meanwhile, mattman got married, which is way awesome. if i knew where there were pictures i would post the link. i was late, but i did have to drive through four counties to get there. long time readers will be happy to know that the round trip was completed without incident. i am now back in franklin county, searching for the person who scratched my car while mattman enjoys wedded bliss. this is because mattman is a very good person, i am kind of an asshole, and all of us live in a just and fair world. that includes you, car-scratcher. i look forward to falsifying your sense of security somehow.

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Monday, March 31, 2008 12:39 AM

David L
I made some noodles for an interesting man today. i will now tell you about him and reprint the poem he wrote for the restaurant.

His name is David L Young, and he does not want to be confused with David Young, but he does give props. David L is roaming around in a Chrysler Crossfire, license plate: POETS

3 out of 3 staff members said he looked like Benjamin Franklin. He was not wearing his Benjamin Franklin costume when he came in to Tamara's with his portable poetry machine/laptop. This means he either IS Benjamin Franklin or he SHOULD BE Benjamin Franklin FOR HALLOWEEN (or always). I couldn't tell if the glasses he was wearing were bifocals. I assume they were.

Tamara’s Café Apalachicola Sunday
Sunday social casual get together.
Apalachicola laid back easy lifestyles,
Small town fishing tall tales lines,
Artmosphere magical charm interaction.
Front door sticky latch first impression
Hanging patio green umbrella ceiling
Cozy setting enjoying tasty meal ‘n coffee
Hidden treasures in Forgotten Coast sensations.
David L. Young 03/30/08©
De-Terminated poet, somewhere in America not on company time
The "somewhere in America not on company time" part is mysterious to me. Is that so his boss doesn't get mad and demand the laptop back? Because his boss needs to not send David L to impersonate Benjamin Franklin on the weekend.

James H Ponder 03/30/08©
Be-Fuddled reader, on the computer on eastern standard time

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Monday, January 28, 2008 10:51 PM

thanks to everyone who helped me come up with valentine's meal ideas.
apparently my blood type is in low supply, so the blood bank (not vampires pretending to be, i hope) called and asked me for more back on voting day. i was going to write you guys about it at the time, but i didn't.

speaking of voting day, it occurs to me that i have not officially endorsed a candidate for president. which is probably a good thing b/c i have a bad track record of jynxing presidential candidates. anyways, i'm not voting for or googling Ron Paul, so you pick whoever you think i would vote for and vote for them.

open letter to murder mystery weekend participants:
do not want. my readers know that i love the idea of solving crimes and mysteries, but the stupid costumes and the lame-ity of you guys ruins it for me. you are overgrown drama nerds and i cannot handle you friday night at the Gibson when i'm trying to talk to my friends while you fire cap guns and make stupid. I also can't muster the courage to tell you "Beat it, dork" early on a saturday when i'm at work. so if you see me, know that i do not have your stupid "clue" and i will not call the fire department when your polyester "pimp" hat or priest robes catch fire, because the firemen will know that I set you on fire and i might get in trouble.

open letter to firemen (to balance out the negative one):
thank you for keeping the trucks looking good and running smooth. you will not let me die of fire and that is very good of you. if anything should happen to one of the murder mystery participants, i didn't do it. it was probably one of them. i'd ask around at the downtown restaurants and stores to see if they have any clues.

current mood: lethargic and sweaty. bad combo.

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Saturday, October 20, 2007 10:21 AM

what to be for halloween

a slight moral dilemma, people. should i recycle a halloween costume from last year? is it okay? before you jump down my throat with a bunch of "of course not, slacker" garbage, remember i'll be celebrating halloween in a different town this time. does that change anything? please respond.

meanwhile, much has happened since my last post, more than you would expect, even. for example, would you have ever thought i would get to visit jimmy carter's hometown? do you even know where it is? of course not, slackers, it's Americus, GA.

oh, and guess what? you know my cool bosses i'm always telling you about? well they totally took me to atlanta with them and we all went to a latin food show. and someone spilled some liquid courage down my throat and i did open mic stand-up comedy. was it funny? of course not, slacker. it was funny looking. danny says he could have laughed at me for hours. i made up for it later that night with a heart-wrenching rendition of Patches by Clarence Carter. photographic evidence is still under review, but it is possible someone took a picture i can post here.

check this out, un-suspecting, i ate a pig eyeball! it tasted like the marrow-part of osso buco.

ooo! ooo! ooo! guess what else? this post is over!

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Sunday, August 19, 2007 11:47 AM

naughtily nautical novelties

ideas are very powerful. a good enough idea can stop a charging rhino. also understand that a lot of sort of good little ideas (like beer koozies shaped like shapely bikini-clad womens torsos) could probably do the trick. do not go on safari armed with only beer koozies shaped like shapely bikini-clad women's torsos! going on safari is only a good idea if you enjoy killing majestic and endangered animal friends for fun, dorkshit. air conditioning is kind of a good idea when it's hot outside, but remember that the men who wrote the constitution didn't have air conditioning or beer koozies shaped like shapely bikini-clad women's torsos but they still had plenty of good ideas. franklin could have done very well for himself in the marine-themed novelty consumer goods business, but did wear his hair in a bald mullet, which could make it difficult to find models for beer koozies shaped like shapely bikini-clad women's torsos, although sociological observation on the gulf coast makes me wonder. makes me wonder a lot of things, actually. which one of these guys invented the beer koozie shaped like a personal floatation device? how come no one has invented the beer koozie shaped like a shapely female torso in a bikini? who let the rhino-dogs out? how does one go about producing a beer koozie in the shape of a shapely woman in a bikini (just the torso) for sale in marine-themed novelty consumer goods stores? what would something like that command, price-wise, in the current marine-themed novelty consumer goods market? is "price-wise" hyphenated? what sort of nautical novelties are the bald-mulleted, rhino-hunting, air-conditioned public looking for? do you think "BeerKoozeKini" is a good name, or does it sound too much like a drink?

BeerKoozeKini (Eastpoint version)
12oz beer
1oz Fruity Something
Serve in a chilled beer koozie with something plugging the hole in the bottom over crushed ice

a lot of drinks down here call for Fruity Something. it was invented by john gorrie after he retired off the proceeds from inventing air conditioning. dunno who invented Somekinda Nanner or Coconutish Stuff, but you see a lot of that, too. I don't like those sugary-cocktails like Nautical Syrup, Fun Dip, Wet Sand and That Kind Of Shit.

That Kind Of Shit (original Jeepland version)
1oz vodka
1oz creme de sugar
1 pixie stick (yellow)
1 oz of that fake juice shit that comes in a little plastic jug (blue)
serve pousse cafe style. some versions use melted popice instead of the fake juice shit that comes in a little plastic jug.

those things sneak up on you, man. sneak up like a charging rhino. do not go on safari while intoxicated. SWI is never a good idea.*

*paid for by ponder for america, animal friends of not safari-ing while intoxicated or at all (AFONSWIOAA), the marine novelty council in conjunction with nautical societies for women (NSFW) and the john gorrie foundation

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Friday, December 10, 2004 10:40 AM

"Hi. Can anyone understand this?"

I'm still having fun with the "mind control" people from a few posts back. now i bring you the Mind Control Discussion Forum. a supportive place where crazy people from all over can come together to amuse me. honeybun57 is a favorite. "The perps are sending people to you who are of them to try to drive you nuts. DON'T Let it happen."

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004 2:17 PM

Without the flash I am radiant.

Images from Blanche Chavoustie
somebody put implants into this poor lady and now her hands glow in the dark and she can photograph her own energy field.

it's very tragic.

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Thursday, November 11, 2004 9:05 AM

Caleb Boddicker
i bought this guys cd off of ebay for 5 dollars. imagine a nerdy-white wesley willis. also, i don't know if the "need money for college" thing is flyin for me.

in an unrelated story, i guess ponder is really not for america. it turns out america is for fascism. so good luck with that, america, it's a growth industry.

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