updates:

Sunday, August 19, 2007 11:47 AM

naughtily nautical novelties

ideas are very powerful. a good enough idea can stop a charging rhino. also understand that a lot of sort of good little ideas (like beer koozies shaped like shapely bikini-clad womens torsos) could probably do the trick. do not go on safari armed with only beer koozies shaped like shapely bikini-clad women's torsos! going on safari is only a good idea if you enjoy killing majestic and endangered animal friends for fun, dorkshit. air conditioning is kind of a good idea when it's hot outside, but remember that the men who wrote the constitution didn't have air conditioning or beer koozies shaped like shapely bikini-clad women's torsos but they still had plenty of good ideas. franklin could have done very well for himself in the marine-themed novelty consumer goods business, but did wear his hair in a bald mullet, which could make it difficult to find models for beer koozies shaped like shapely bikini-clad women's torsos, although sociological observation on the gulf coast makes me wonder. makes me wonder a lot of things, actually. which one of these guys invented the beer koozie shaped like a personal floatation device? how come no one has invented the beer koozie shaped like a shapely female torso in a bikini? who let the rhino-dogs out? how does one go about producing a beer koozie in the shape of a shapely woman in a bikini (just the torso) for sale in marine-themed novelty consumer goods stores? what would something like that command, price-wise, in the current marine-themed novelty consumer goods market? is "price-wise" hyphenated? what sort of nautical novelties are the bald-mulleted, rhino-hunting, air-conditioned public looking for? do you think "BeerKoozeKini" is a good name, or does it sound too much like a drink?

BeerKoozeKini (Eastpoint version)
12oz beer
1oz Fruity Something
Serve in a chilled beer koozie with something plugging the hole in the bottom over crushed ice

a lot of drinks down here call for Fruity Something. it was invented by john gorrie after he retired off the proceeds from inventing air conditioning. dunno who invented Somekinda Nanner or Coconutish Stuff, but you see a lot of that, too. I don't like those sugary-cocktails like Nautical Syrup, Fun Dip, Wet Sand and That Kind Of Shit.

That Kind Of Shit (original Jeepland version)
1oz vodka
1oz creme de sugar
1 pixie stick (yellow)
1 oz of that fake juice shit that comes in a little plastic jug (blue)
serve pousse cafe style. some versions use melted popice instead of the fake juice shit that comes in a little plastic jug.

those things sneak up on you, man. sneak up like a charging rhino. do not go on safari while intoxicated. SWI is never a good idea.*

*paid for by ponder for america, animal friends of not safari-ing while intoxicated or at all (AFONSWIOAA), the marine novelty council in conjunction with nautical societies for women (NSFW) and the john gorrie foundation

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Saturday, May 05, 2007 11:18 PM

when in wakulla

i begin my journey to europe on monday morning. only one brunch separates me from certain heartbreak at the hands of a beautiful italian. what are we having for brunch? why, it's meatloaf and gravy, of course! that's what you wanted for brunch, right? i mean, you had fried chicken last sunday (and you're having it again mother's day) so this week it's time for meatloaf.

questions:
how come nobody comes to the restaurant? does everybody hate me? will the investors abide my week-long excursion overseas? is this the week sam burns out? is it time to turn the bistro into a chicken shack? can i learn enough italian to seduce a contessa? will said contessa buy a ferrari for dad? will i enjoy the new arkady renko mystery as much as polar star?

answers:
the restaurant is in the middle of nowhere. people do hate me (see this post), but not all. dunno. dunno. hope not. hope so. she better. yes.

how many did you get right?
1-2 "have a nice life"
3-4 "you've got to be kidding me"
5-6"if you can't make it happen, don't even talk to me"
7-8 "i don't want excuses, i just want it to happen"

stay tuned for the latest and crazy.
i'm crazy.
just trying to fit in.

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Thursday, March 29, 2007 6:26 PM

lovers, haters, love-haters, busters, sweetbacks & philistines

look in the mirror, you're at least one of the above and you're wack. I mean it. take me, for example. to some i'm a buster. harshin gigs and bringin the hammer down on loafing. to a redneck golfer i'm a city-slicking sweetback using big words (some foreign) and not frying troughs of chicken. goliath, a philistine king, thought david was a bad guy. likewise the legions of philistines i sling down on the regular probably think of themselves as the underdog, standing up to the man. james ponder, hater. yes, i'll admit it. if you're shitty i hate you. "why should i change my name? he's the one who sucks!" james ponder. lover. Indubitably. but loving is wack, too. loving puts the pressure on somebody. it's a liability. you love somebody and they are accountable, responsible. nobody wants to be responsible, no matter what they say when they're applying for a job or raise. "i want to take on more responsibility, sir or madam, i'm ready." no, you don't and you're not. and don't call me sir or madam. i have a name.

which brings us to love-haters. you're down on love because some slutty elmer gantr-ette dumped you while you were trying to get your life on track. yes, it was selfish of her, and of course you deserve revenge, but don't make a liar out of john lennon. that's what religion is for. that's why the beatles are more famous than jesus christ, because they're righteous. love is the answer, but there are a lot of stupid people out there who don't test well. i may be a buster, a sweetback, a lover and a hater. but i'm no love-hater, and anybody who calls me a philistine will get slung down like the rest of you sweetbacks.

The End (If You Want It!)

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Friday, October 20, 2006 4:12 AM

meta metaphor

it was the kind of rain in which john lecarre makes secret agents walk across town to the drop-off.

the rain fell in a cacophony of tree branches and sumo wrestlers gearing up for a battle royale.

all the ants on the tomato plants washed away like...wait...that's a simile and some alliteration or consonance or something.

the rain fell harder than a floridian in snow.

the rain was wetter than the dew point could withstand.

the rain was heavy. "how heavy was it?" it was so heavy you couldn't check it on a commercial airline. ALERT ORANGE!

chuck norris never cries. hahahahahahaha

ooooo the storm is threatening my very life today

wellsir, if i had to say, i'd say that rain was more severe than '56 but with less "bat-a-latta-latta" and more Neptune's remorse.

go outside in this? i'd rather perform the aristocrats.

if you got a speeding ticket in Vermont in this weather, you'd have to thank the officer for catching influenza and then rush him to a hospital in a state that at least practices something other than 18th century medicine. boy and i hope he's got family somewhere else, cause good luck finding a doctor in a part of the world where the rodents are smarter than the human population. Vermont: may a plague of a thousand Wal-marts descend upon you, you miserable, backwoods, inhospitable hunk of frozen shit. I hope new hampshire eats you. I'd rather see every cockroach in florida breed a family of thousands than see you eat a decent meal. not much chance of that, though, is there? you bland, cowardly, rotten fish-eating philistine. Vermont: when you perish from the earth, hopefully soon, make sure that Phish is not on tour, so that they may perish with you. I'd hope north korea picks you first, but there is nothing in vermont worth dropping a poop on, let alone a nuclear weapon. was that offensive? good. i hope all the bearded flannels choke on their miserable coffee when they read this. wait. the amish will read this before a vermonter does.


when the rain stopped bucky felt the quiet of a beach in his childhood resurface and greet him with a playful splash. ever seen the beach, vermont? didn't think so.

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Thursday, March 02, 2006 11:36 AM

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