Saturday, August 01, 2009 1:34 AM

actually occuring bags of money

If you're wandering around a movie and stumble across a bag of money, you should probably alert the authorities and flee. But you won't. You'll cook up a crazy scheme to keep the money and end up having your fictitious life turned upside-down by the very people to whose level you swore you would never stoop but now must in order to prove your innocence or save your failing business/farm/life/health-of-friend-slash-loved-one.

Take, for example, the true life story of Franco-Scottish baker Baguette MacGuffin, whose disappearance remains one of the great unsolved mysteries of all time.

Baguette was raised by her mother, the beautiful gypsy Rosebud. Childhood spent in the gypsy camp was wondrous and strange. Days spent grifting in various villages and townships, nights of feasting, dancing and laughter. On Baguette's sixteenth birthday, her mother bestowed upon her a magical beaded necklace that had the power to reveal even the cleverest hiding places. Rosebud had stolen the necklace from an undercover Interpol informant in Prague and taken it to a nightclub in Morocco where she hid it inside a piano. She was ultimately captured & imprisoned, only to escape by sawing through the bars of her cell with a file young Baguette had placed inside a cake. It is a common misconception that files are "baked" into cakes, when usually they are sandwiched between cake layers or pressed into the cake after it is baked and then covered with icing. Baguette had mastered both techniques by the age of nine.

Much has been written about Baguette's father, the notorious gambler Kaplan MacGuffin:

'Lo the saggiest bags o' most golden gold
That th' notorious gambl'r MacGuffin stole
Th' treasured heirlooms o' Widow & Count
Pillag'd n' ransom'd in exorb'tant a'mount
Pensions o' Lords n' 401k's
Ferrie'd by pirates from shadowy cay
Stagecoach n' steamtrain
N' Swiss amrmour'd car
Be-handcuff'd suitcase
'Lectronic funds transf'r
Curren'cy launder'd n' curren'cy smudgy
All fair o' game to the gambl'r MacGuffy!

Baguette left the gypsy camp shortly after freeing her mother, and immigrated to America. Life was hard at first, but Baguette found work in a combination beeper store & Taco Bell run by a kindly Egyptian family and moved into the attic apartment. As fortune would have it, the apartment's pervious occupant, Woody Guthrie, had hidden a notebook of songs in the wall. Baguette immediately skyped her friend Billy Bragg and told him the news:

"Billy! Remember that clunky-ass necklace my mom gave me?"
"I think so, the glowy-blueish one?"
"Yeah yeah yeah, anyway, I found a bunch of Woody Guthrie songs with it and I think you and Wilco should record them!"
"Bloody brilliant, Baguette! I love you!" (this creeped Baguette straight out)
"mmmKay...I love you too, buddy. I'll email you the songs."
"I better go, my darling, the RIAA is tapping my skype again."
"Yeah, me too."

Of course, Baguette had no way of knowing that Billy was telling the truth, she assumed he was just trying to make himself seem important. It wasn't so much the RIAA itself that you needed to worry about, but the secret enforcement squad operating covertly within known as "the Cut-Outs."

the Cut Outs had a minor hit in the early nineties called "Fire Attack," but had since evolved into a highly effective para-military unit that ruthlessly hunted copyright pirates and the like. Countless underground, renegade types found their ends at the point of a Cut Outs pitchfork. Smuggler dudes, dudes with the same name as smuggler dudes, habitual boycotters, people having fun, good guy double agents, people unwittingly in possession of secret documents, bystandery witnesses of foul play, the Cut Outs showed no mercy to their victims and frequently lapsed into condescending soliloquy. All their rigorous training and limitless resources, however, proved no match for our heroine. Had it not been for her ill-fated romance with a guy I totally forgot to mention earlier, Mason, Baguette would have evaded the Cut Outs to the ends of the Earth.

Baguette inherited her father's keen eye for surveillance. She made the stakeout within an hour of the portable on-demand storage (PODS) container's delivery across the street from the beeper store.

"Ugarte, are we getting a new shipment of black-market cell phones today?"
"No. We still need the moving the uPhones of January last! This economy...most crummy."
"Thought not. Gotta motor!"

Baguette snuck through the sliding panel behind the charger display and into the escape tunnel. Deftly mounting her Vespa while switching out the SIM card in her phone, she sped off through the tunnel, literally under the noses of the tracker bloodhounds scouring the beeper store.

The chase was on, and the bad guys were pulling out all the stops. APB's, roadblocks, photoshopped tabloid photos, all kinds of internet hoaxes and spam, infomercials, dye packs, wiretaps, Google Maps, iPhone apps, confidential informants, tracking devices, ninjas, you name it. Agents were dispatched to the gypsy camp and threatened to waterboard everybody. Agents raided the beeper store and impounded all the knock-off phones. Baguette ditched her Vespa and hopped a train, only to jump off a split second before the doors closed, flummoxing the two bad guys stationed on the platform. She went through disguises like they were going out of style, which they kind of were, considering that not being recognized as Baguette MacGuffin was a very 'in' look. It was a pretty exciting couple days leading up to Baguette & Mason's rendezvous.

Okay, so this guy Mason is kind of a shady character. While there is no wikipedia page on him, rumor is he was the heir to the Monsanto soy fortune. Baguette met Mason at a very fancy brunch in a pretty fancy part of town. Baguette was working part time as a caterer/cat burglar, Mason working full time as a sleazy ne’er-do-well. They made a pact much later that night, as the sun rose over the Native American burial grounds, that if Baguette ever had to evade a dangerous and tech-savvy squad of bad guys, they would meet at the brunch house and escape on Mason's yacht, which was disguised as a shrimp boat. Mason's dumb ass went and twittered all about it.

The yacht was gassed up and ready for the trip back to the old country. Baguette's heart jumped at the thought of being reunited with her mother as she climbed the stone steps down the cliff to the dock. "Sweet! Gypsy camp rules," she thought, "I am so ready to not be dealing with these stupid cops." Her excitement was short-lived; when she saw the police boat sirens round the sea wall she bolted back up the steps, never to be seen again.

As with any high-profile mystery, there are many theories as to what became of Baguette MacGuffin. Many people believe she was captured and interred in some secret RIAA prison. Others speculate that she is still on the run, trying to make her way back to Europe. When you're trying to think of a good place to stash the bag of money you found, remember Baguette's story, and if you figure out a moral let me know so I can update it.

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Thursday, December 25, 2008 10:38 AM

christmas story fail

yet another christmas has arrived and i didn't do my christmas story. i'm sorry, there is just not enough juice in my tanks for much more than a twitter update these days. maybe i should have done it one line at a time like @scharpling.

anyways, i'll be in tallahassee for several more hours, so hopefully we can get the presenting out of the way and i can enjoy some big city culture before i have to go back to hicksville. i had a wonderful time hanging out with everyone on tuesday. thanks to ed for inviting me to his christmas party, and big ups to the lings for putting up with us all playing rockband til 4 am.

so, merry christmas, internet friends. i wish you all the best in the new year and i hope you all got what you wanted for christmas. unless it was a story by me that you wanted, in which case you need to shoot a little higher anyway so i'm happy to disappoint.

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Monday, September 15, 2008 2:10 PM

erik is staying on top of stuff for us. i can't wait to see his command center in NYC!

so i haven't updated in a while, but it's not your fault. we just run in differnet circles (like facebook/myspace/twitter/whatevercrazyshitmeadowslingisonaboutthisweek) and i'm kind of busy trying to figure out my new phone, Touch Push. which reminds me, everybody has to call me so i have your phone numbers, and you want me to have your phone numbers.

the official date for the wedding is Feb 28, 2009. i have been entertaining myself looking at cool party favor type stuff to have at the reception, and i think you will all enjoy. but this is the deal, i need you guys to generate some cool graphic design-y like logo looking thing to print on the stuff. otherwise it's just going to say "Allison & James" in some lame font like Curlz MT. i know you all have photoshop, so make something that will look good on a cocktail napkin.

it's going to be so much fun hanging out with you guys. i never see you guys anymore. and i think it's giving me a headache. also, i drink to much soda water, according to the health food lady. she has me taking these vitamin b12 "sublinguals" because carbonation is bad in the massive quantities i slurp it. plus, this time of year i'm supposed to get massive doses of vitamin FSU, but it looks as if even my long lost non-relative Christian has decided to phone this year in. watch this youtube video, current seminoles, this is what i would like to see, if it's not to much trouble:
Charlie Ward treats miami the way they deserve to be treated

anyways, it's a good thing i have celestial seasonings tension tamer tea to help me pass out at night.

please notice that the picture on the box is a lady riding a dragon. the tea has catnip in it, and it makes me get all blissed out and sleepy, no lie. i call it "chasing the dragon."

i'm serious about the photoshop competition. i'm not expecting anything as amazing as the obama O, but somebody please make something really cool. matt, mama gramling, paul, kathe i am looking in your direction. if you still read my webpage, that is

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Saturday, June 21, 2008 12:53 PM

the day the music melted

lightning struck my house this morning. i was dogsitting @ QS96's house, so me and the laptop and the saturn were no where near the ensuing blaze. grayson is out of town at press time i have yet to speak to him, but his boat was on st george so it's safe, and his car is okay, too. clifford was next door asleep, the cops woke him up and he's fine. his side of the house didn't look too bad. he seemed pretty depressed. i can't imagine grayson being very excited about the situation, either. sadly, we lost odin the cat, and clifford's other dog (not the fluffy one, PJ. PJ is OK).

my neighbor erin and i peeked inside briefly and it looks like there might be more salvageable stuff than you'd think from looking at the outside. firedudeman says most of my cds probably melted, and that any clothes that made it will smell like smoke forever. my obama poster is fine.

grayson's sister shelley handles the business end of stuff, and she says insurance is paid up, so thank goodness for that. my bumblingly optimistic ass can't shake the sensation that this could work out for everybody. can't shake it like a soda. i just realized i didn't even look in the fridge. i think there's like a case of beer in there and the rest of the pancetta i made and a fresh pack of those little charcoal steaks i like for ropa vieja. damn. i should run over and get those. oh snap and i just loaded up on pizza and ice cream sandwiches!

i'm going to go see if the ice cream sandwiches melted or not. then i guess i have to do all my laundry again.

thanks to all the twitter people that hollered at me, and to the entire town of apalachicola for helping out and offering me clothes and standing around while i talked to the firedudemenandwomen in my pyjamas.

and congrats to the franklin county all stars on their big win today!

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Tuesday, June 17, 2008 12:57 AM

ponders for kentucky want to test you. submit to the test. leave me a comment.

i went to the tallahassee tweetup @manor @midtown tonight and met some totally cool people. they have pictures and possibly video floating around the internet for you to see if you can't just take on faith that i was there. i have to cut this post short. it's been a big lobster apocalypse of a day and i'm tired.

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